There’s more to the Switch than meets the eye
Here’s the thing: You have spent over £300 for the Nintendo Switch. Sure, it’s worth £279.00, but if you wanted to play The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, and play it with a degree of comfort, you probably bought the game and the pro-controller. Since then, I guess you’ve played and beaten Zelda. Then, you bought Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, but that’s more for playing with friends, and you don’t have any mates, so that just sits on the shelf, collecting dust. Your Nintendo Switch sits silently in its dock and you just stare at it. “Why was I so excited to buy you!?” you yell at the Nintendo Switch. It cannot answer. It’s a machine. You can’t answer either.
You were there at the midnight launch, weren’t you? Standing amongst the nerds dressed as Mario, Luigi, and some bearded guy in his forties was dressed as Peach. You shudder in the queue and, the minute you have the Nintendo Switch in your hands, you quickly leave the store. It filled that sense nothingness you feel sometimes, but it’s back now and strong as ever. It just exists as an indescribable dread. It exists when you don’t want to.
Anyway, here’s five games you can play on the Nintendo Switch now you’re finished with Zelda and Mario Kart.
Why isn’t he moving? You can’t figure it out, holding the right bumper and watching the snake – named Noodle – move a few inches before stopping. A quick Google search teaches you that he moves like an actual snake, with all that slivering nonsense they do. Right. Fine. Let’s slide.
It’s a frustrating game at the start, sure. Noodle is constantly in threat of falling from the bamboo climbing frames and into the void below the segregated island levels you explore. His little face is wide-eyed with fear, “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? THIS HURTS,” they say. He falls into the void again, his mouth wide with panic. In the opening cutscene, Noodle was asleep. Now, he’s being terrorised and perishing by you and your greasy, inaccurate little fingers.
Once you master the controls, it is an insanely wonderful puzzle game, with excellent level and puzzle design and a cutesy, charming art-style. It’s a pretty cheap game with loads of content and replay value, with each level packed full of hard-to-reach collectables.
Shovel Knight: Treasure Trove
Cheating a bit, right? You can play Shovel Knight on nearly every single platform, but when the Nintendo Switch has such a dearth of games to play, you may as well get Shovel Knight for it as well.
We shouldn’t have to explain Shovel Knight by now, but we have words to write, so here it is: Shovel Knight is a retro, 8bit, 2D platformer, reminiscent of the NES games of yore. It borrows ideas from Castlevania, Metroid, The Legend of Zelda and Mega Man, and meshes them altogether in a nostalgic orgy.
It’s fun but doesn’t quite meet the challenge of the NES games we played as kids. That said, there is enough content in the Treasure Trove edition to keep you playing for a long time.
This is one of lesser known games on the Nintendo Switch, but its plenty fun and, most importantly, it’s cheap.
A top-down, hack-and-slash game which has that old school, Legend of Zelda vibe nailed. Each stage sees you explore locations full of enemies as you collect key-stones to unlock the next area and eventual boss-battle.
KAMIKO is a game that utilises speed, with most of the controller buttons mapped to dash, and the others to swing. So, you dash and swing the shit out of your enemies, building combos and taking names. It is addictive and well suited for the portability of the Nintendo Switch
Battling the Billy Big Bollocks of the game (bosses) each requires an individual strategy for victory. There is no ‘hit it ‘til it dies’ here. You should watch and remember their attack patterns and beating these guys, as any good boss battle should, is hugely rewarding.
It was good on the Nintendo Wii U and, by George, it is good on the Nintendo Switch. It is basically Mario Kart for people who feel too grown-up and mature for Mario Kart. You know, those people who probably watched the Power Rangers reboot, complained it was too cheesy but secretly loved it, going home to put on their make-shift, latex costumes, and prance about the living room. Is that you we’ve just so accurately described? Probably.
The point is, FAST RMX is fast. That’s not a snappy marketing tagline. That’s a solid fact. It puts the 200cc mode in Mario Kart 8 to shame. Course design is often good, though it isn’t an altogether perfect experience, with a few turds amongst the truffles.
It also offers enhanced frame-rates and resolutions over the Nintendo Wii U version, smoothing out a frantic experience and making the game much more fun to play.
This is the joke entry. Seriously, don’t buy this. It’s trash.